A Daughter’s Dilemma – Staying Put vs. Going Home
By DAUGHTER-IN-DILEMMA
If I have to choose between my own happiness and that of my parents, which one should give way?
This was what I kept asking myself two years ago when I was faced with the dilemma of whether to stay in Singapore or to return to Indonesia for good for the sake of my parent. I had been in Singapore for only six months then - I had got a good job, met newly acquainted friends, and was having a great time learning a lot of new, interesting things.
My mother had just called and said that my younger sister would be moving to Medan for her university studies. With my elder brother in the USA, this means she would be left all alone managing our family business, and looking after the 4-and-a-half-floor big house in a small town in Sumatera.
My mother, by any account, was a super woman. Since my father passed away when I was 12, she had single-handedly brought up her three children. Then, when they're all grown up, she witnessed them, one by one, left her side. First, it was my brother who went to study in the faraway continent. Then, it was I who chose to come to Singapore to work. And then, it was my sister's turn.
I started to think that perhaps I should go home to accompany her. My heart was torn into two though. On one hand, I was having an enjoyable, fruitful time in Singapore. On the other hand, although my mother never complained or asked or even hinted to me to return home, the thought of her toiling alone in our family store was hard to bear. She was almost 60 then, and still had to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day. This was what happened in a typical family business where everything is a one-man show. With nobody's around to help, she would need to take her lunch within 10 minutes. Even going to the washroom is also a rush matter. Most importantly, with no close family member around, whom can she talk to?
Our conversation on the phone every two days usually went like this:
"How are you, mum? Are you coping well? Sister's gone now, you must be tired, huh?"
"No, not tired. I'm fine. How are you? You must take care of yourself, okay."
She is indeed a selfless soul who never complains. But even then, I could sense her voice tired and lonely.
Different friends I consulted with gave me different advice. Some said I should “listen to my heart” and stay in Singapore if that’s what makes me happy. But few also advised me to help out my mother.
I was in a dilemma.
One fine day, I came to a conclusion that I needed to return home. There was no dramatic incidence or any particular advice that pushed me to the decision. That was end of 2007.
I told my mother about my decision. As expected, she was ecstatic. The same could not be said about me though. I packed my bags wondering whether I had made the right choice. I was sad to leave my new life and friends behind. But I would just try my best to adapt back with life back home, I told myself.
The story does not end here. There is another twist to the tale.
My homecoming was at first smooth. I was glad to see my mother again. She was also obviously relieved to have an extra helping hand in the store and someone to accompany her.
Then, boredom kicked in. Life in a small town was a monotonous routine. Can you imagine waking up every day at 7.30 am, opening our store from 8.30 am, and remaining there till 9 pm at night? That, times 7 days a week.
Don’t get me wrong. I was not looking down on our own family business. That is after all, the source of income that has put food on the table, send my siblings and I to school, and give us a decent life.
If I may say it again, I just found the life very routine and dry. Most of my friends had ventured out from the town, and I did not really have any peer groups to hang out with.
I tried not to show my unhappiness in front of my mother, but the know-it-all mother soon sensed me getting restless and moody.
“You are now but a small fish in a pond. You need to experience the ocean outside,” she told me out-of-the-blue one afternoon.
I was surprised to hear her comment. But the wheel had turned. After sensing me being unhappy back home, my mother began telling me that I could go back to Singapore if I wanted to. I told her that I was alright. But she kept insisting that I was not right being there, and should just go to where I could be my best.
“Are you sure, mom? You’ll be alone again if I go,” I said.
She convinced me that she would be alright. Again, she gave me the blessing to leave home. That was June 2008.
I relocated back to Singapore and have been staying here since. As in the past, I talk to her regularly every two days, asking her if she is alright, and can only hope that she really is.
It is not a perfect arrangement, but it is the best that we know of.
The reason I am willing to share this is because I know my story is hardly unique. I have so many friends out there who are facing the same dilemma. With ageing parents, many may have to go home to help continuing family business or at least, accompanying them. Of course, the circumstances differ. Some have other siblings to share their responsibilities, some guy friends have no other choice as "they are the only sons in the family". Different friends also respond in different ways. Some take the hard, logical approach, while some take longer to dwell and consider and perhaps, buy time.
There are at least two lessons that I hope to share from my experience.
Firstly, please make your decision such that in the future, you will not regret it. The future is not for us to see, of course, and it’s hard to know which decision will not bring us regret. There is no right or wrong answer for this dilemma. And thus, the only way to decide is really to ask yourself what you really want in life. Make your decision and stick with it. I am obviously not the best example of this, since I have been changing my mind as well. I am lucky that my mother knows what is best for me and guides me back to my current path in Singapore where I can be my best.
As Confucius says, wherever you go, go with all your heart. Half-hearted decision will not bring calm and happiness. No matter how hard you deny it or try to convince yourself otherwise, your heart will know it when you are unhappy.
Secondly, please communicate your doubts and worries with your parents. Indonesians, by and large, are still very conservative community who treasure family bonds, and parents still expect children to take care of them when they grow old. There is nothing wrong with that, of course. When I grow old, I also hope my children will take care of me.
But! Will I force my children to do that when I know they will be unhappy? I think the last thing I want, I think, is for my children to worry for me, or for them to be restricted by me.
My mother did not forbid me going away because she wants only the best for me, and for me to be happy. She told me that seeing me unhappy has made her unhappy as well. Meanwhile, I, for the longest time, did not tell her that I was unhappy, because I did not want her to be unhappy. That is how complicated a family is, huh? We are trying so hard not to hurt each other, but during the process, we have hurt ourselves. Our failure to communicate was one reason for this misunderstanding.
So if I have to choose between my own happiness and that of my parents, which one should give way?
I think I have found the answer to the question above. I have realised that we can only make our loved ones happy if we ourselves are happy. And I have come to the conclusion that very often, I don’t have to choose, because surprise, surprise, my happiness is very often equal to my parents’ happiness!
Friends out there will certainly face different sets of circumstances in your endeavours. I can only wish you the best in your decision-making, and hope that in whatever you decide, you will be happy.